I Wish I Was Blind - By Sieur Clubin

I was sitting in the pantry yesterday - struggling to pacify my always-mad-at-me Panorama account and trying every trick up my sleeve to log on but to no cigar. Well, I remember that I used to forget my log-in id & password always but this time it was a different story. I was keying in my correct id and password but the system was reluctant to allow me to use her (I classify the comps under the female category coz you can never guess when they happily open up and when they angrily block out. I picked this lesson up from my dad. I remember asking him when I was kid – “dad, how to differentiate between males and females!?” (as if I didn’t know ;-) To which he replied – “son, its pretty easy. Whatever that looks simple and thinks straight is a male and whatever that looks jaw-droppingly beautiful but is too complicated to understand is a female”. So my childhood lesson helped me here and please, this statement is not made to offend the female category of the Homo-Sapien species) Anyway, I tried to talk to her in a soft, mellowing tone, caressed every ticklish corner of her very delicate body with utmost care, ensuring not to hurt her by applying too much pressure (including the keyboard and the rubber-ball mouse), tried to use the telepathic mode of communication but all to end in vain. The worst thing was that she was not letting me know why she was mad at me and what the hell my mistake was!? Earlier, on previous such occasions, whenever I tried to approach her she used to spit on my face an error message at least but this time, she was totally cold!

So, here I was forced to ponder about what kind of a heinous crime I might have committed against the system the last time I logged in (surfing porn could not be the reason coz I don’t have the privilege to access Internet on Panorama, and most of my friends are too busy & mature enough (means they are married) to forward those kinda mails) and if I ever figure my error out, how I should be approaching her, what would be the best way to apologise etc etc These thoughts started to fleet across my mind and during that point of time, I don’t know why but I turned to my left and looked behind. It was purely an involuntary action. And I saw this guy standing behind me with his back faced towards me. He was talking to another guy who was sitting in front of him. It appeared that he was waiting for someone. I didn’t (could not) see his face and I turned towards my monitor instantly. By his constitution and dress (black shoes, black trouser, full-sleeve white shirt and if I’m not wrong - a black belt), it was clear that I didn’t know this guy. I have never ever spoken to him. He is altogether a stranger to me. The whole incident might not have taken longer than 0.5 secs coz I think that’s all it takes for anyone to have a glance at things. But slowly, I started to feel a kind of uneasiness within. It started to grow every other second. Initially, I could not figure out what might be the reason but within no time, I realized that that guy was the reason for my discomfort (!?) Forget others, I myself thought that I must have gone nuts coz here I’m feeling discomfort with the presence of a guy whom I have not spoken to, might have not seen him before, don’t know his whereabouts, and don’t know any crap about him. But trust me, my growing agony was too strong to be suppressed by consoling it with some pale assertions. I kept on feeling that there is something definitely wrong with this guy. Finally, I thought if I take a closer look at him at least, he might turn out to be a person whom I know and that might help to calm myself down. So I decided to take another look at him and turned back. Well, what I see here? I saw him walking out of the pantry. He was walking out of the pantry…not alone, but with “Her”..

So my bloody sixth sense was right and whenever it had been right, my happiness had been screwed. I’m of course not gonna reveal who she is, how does she look, how does she talk, how does she walk, what she likes/hates (which even I don’t know!) what she was wearing yesterday etc (though I remember every minute detail of it., including the violet floral patterns on her white…shit, sorry for divulging too many details and lessening your tea-time gossip duration. Let me stop describing her any more) I prefer giving up my sanity (which I think I already have) than giving out her name to the rest (I wanted to say “I prefer giving up my breath...”, but it sounded too sheepish and overused). I guess everyone knows why one is averse disclosing the details of his crush to others, especially when he has not revealed his affection to her yet and suddenly discovers that she has found a new mate! But wait a second! Did I call her as my Crush!? I’m sorry. She is not just a crush. I think she is more than a crush and to be frank, less than love. She is more than a crush coz if she had been just a crush, I would have forgotten each and everything related to her the moment I saw her with another guy and would not have been struggling like this to accept the truth. And if she had been my love, then by now, I would have been roaming on the streets of Bangalore like Archimedes, loudly calling out her name, which fortunately, I’m not doing. So she is neither my crush, nor my love but someone who fits right in between. Ummm…let me call her as my “Crushed-Love!” - sounds good  So when I asked my heart why is that I don’t want to reveal my “Crushed-Love’s” details, it pumped back at me the following reasons:

• I do give a damn about her and want to see her happy always. And revealing her identity might make her irritated, quit the job and move out, which I hate to see happening.

• I get the same amount of joy just by looking at her, observing her talking with friends, watching her moving around. I do enjoy the scared-doe look in her eyes when she is looking out for her friends who are sitting somewhere at the Terminal (especially during the breakfast hours)….irrespective of whether she is mine or someone else’s. I might just be longing for her presence. I might just want to see her at least once in a day.

• I don’t want to cause any kind of embarrassment for her guy. He must never think that he made an unscrupulous decision by falling in love wit her. If I had been in his place if he had revealed these kind of things about my girl, that would certainly have made me lose the peace of my mind. The most important thing here to note is that he is not my enemy in any way.

Anyway, let’s get away with these cheesy excuses and get back to the main stream. When I saw her moving out with that guy, memories unfolded in a fraction of a second and brought in front of my eyes the happenings of the day before yesterday. It was as if they are happening at this very moment, right in front of my eyes. Day before yesterday, I saw her entering the bay following that guy! But it was too small an event that I didn’t even bother to notice it coz there might be a million other reasons behind it., like it might just be a coincidence that they entered the bay together. But my damned subconscious mind had registered that minute detail to unfold at the right moment in order to exert the maximum blow upon me. My mind was clearly deducing this theory – “go by the Associative property. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. So, if they entered the bay together, and now this guy waits for her to go out together, then there is something cooking between the two!”. I could never find a fitting response to what my mind was theorizing coz I have always been a scrape-through student in maths. I had no other option but to accept. Trust me, it hurts and when it hurts, it hurts a lot…

[Up to this was written in Feb-2010 (now there are only 2 days left for June to arrive). I thought of presenting it as my Valentine’s story as there was such a contest but I could not complete it in Feb. It is obvious that now I’ve forgotten many of the things I wanted to say due to the time gap and many other diversions. I must also admit that I’ve lost the vigour with which I started off. And now that we guys decided to come up with this blog stuff, I thought it would be a nice idea to complete this and put it on our page. I think the Love/Sex subject is always an interesting topic to start with! But anyway, I will try my best to remember the things I wanted to say and would try to present them in the best possible way]

Let me recall my memories associated with her (I really enjoy recalling the things that I like and living in my dreamland) I think even she could read what my eyes were trying to convey but both of us never bothered to translate them into words and always talked through words-unspoken, though our interactions were rare and lasted just for a few microseconds. And may be because they were rare and short, they got imprinted on my memory cells firmly..I guess…

• I still remember I was filling out my appraisal details on the first floor (this happened 2 appraisal cycles ago i.e. a year and half ago) and when I turned to my left to call someone, I saw her standing a few feet away and staring at my comp! It appeared as if even she is looking out for a comp but I could bet that she was more interested in checking out my data (which I believe is true) And Speak Memory – she was wearing the same “violet floral patterns on her white…” dress! 

• Once I shared a joke with one of my close friends and was returning to my desk and suddenly, she came my way! The aftermath-joke smile was still lingering on my face and this sudden surprise must have converted it into a grin. And you know what!? She blushed! (for the first time that I’ve seen!)..she blushed and held her head down and walked past silently & hurriedly. She must have thought that I was smiling at her! (of course I did) But as I’m a proven idiot, I didn’t bother to build upon that.

• I’ve seen her talking to so many of my friends but not even a single person among this lot of my stupid friends, ever did bother introducing her to me  How I used to curse them :-[ But that red letter day also came! The day on which she would talk to me!  It happened like this – we happened to meet at the entrance of the bay (I was leaving and she was entering with a friend who happens to be a girl) So, as per the gentleman-principle, I let them enter first and was about to go out. And I suddenly hear this melody from behind which I think sounded somewhat like “Thank You!”. Well, just to ensure that it is not another of my fancies, I turned back to checkout where did this voice emerge from? And to my surprise, I see that she was standing there, thanking me! I was least expecting this and I was aghast and confused and what not!? Hence, my reply was all but a straight face :- I mutely walked out (such a dumbass I am, %$*@).

• There was this activity on the floor wherein everyone’s name would be called upon at least once. Everybody was done with what they had to do but somehow, her name was not being called upon. I could see her hiding behind a friend and eagerly awaiting her name to be called upon. She was quite nervous. At the end, the host announced that if anyone’s name has been left out, they could please come forward. But this girl didn’t dare to come forward! :-D It was evident that she was pretty excited about this activity and was hoping to actively take part in it, as I had seen her running around with a lot of life on that morning. But in the end, all her excitement was to end in vain. I wanted to point out to the host and say that you didn’t call this girl’s name but that would have made her swoon and hence didn’t do so ;-)

• Another occasion wherein she would speak to me – this was comparatively long and also would be the last time. It was an auspicious day (religion withheld) and I was talking to one of my friends (who happens to be in her team). Somebody in her team had bought a kind of homemade sweets which she was distributing. She was wearing a sort of peacock-blue dress, with a bit excess makeup and jewellery on (I used to admire this girl mainly coz of her simplicity. Make up is a big turn off for me. But may be the day was not an ordinary one, her indulgence could be considered as an exception ;-) ) She was well aware of my presence and it looked like she was feeling a sorta uneasy to give her team mate (my friend) the sweets because I was sitting next to him. Hence she calls another of my friend who was standing at the other end of the bay and gives him the sweets first before approaching us! (Hahaha :-D damn, I did enjoy that!) Later she came to us. My friend aka her team mate, denied to accept the sweets coz he wouldn’t like them. Thereafter it was my turn and I stood up. She was standing right there, in front of me, the closest I ever got to see her! (She stands up to my chin ;-) ) She gave me the sweets without looking at me. I thanked her, sat on the chair and started eating. Well, she didn’t return to her place. She stood there for sometime, fiddling around with the spoon and the box. And as if she realized that she is a sort of lost and she should have retuned after distributing the sweets – and as a measure of damage control - she suddenly asked me some mundane question which was totally irrelevant and unfitting on that occasion! :-D (well, I remember what she asked but don’t wanna cite that here!) I just said ‘huh’ and she repeated the question to which I blankly replied ‘yes’, as I was busy checking out her violet coloured nail polish ;-) (damn, never ever thought that this violet colour could turn out be so violent) It was quite evident that she’d recently been through a pedicure treatment ;-) Looks like she is a bit orthodox and a god-fearing girl. Oh yeah, one more thing I’ve observed is that she likes long, silky-smooth hair! (I think its human nature to crave for the things that we do not have ;-) )

• It was April 1st and I was about to enter the bay. She came in the opposite direction. I was having severe cold and was busy cleaning my nose. It must have appeared to her that I’ve got a bleeding nose and was in severe pain :-D That concerned & questioning look was certainly there in here eyes. I didn’t talk to her. Because it was too late. I remember the date coz it was Fool’s day and I’d managed to fool her!

• Once again we happened to cross our paths just outside the bay and this time, I don’t know why but I did smile at her. And she turned back to check out if there is anyone behind her whom I might be smiling at! But of course, it was too late to tell her that it was she whom I was smiling at. Well, I think it is not her fault to think so coz anyone would do the same when they get greeted by a person with a smile at the first instance and grumpy responses thereafter. It was clearly - my fault.

• She might have thought that I might not have observed her stealing glances…while she was sitting with her friends in the pantry or at the Terminal; but how to tell her that observation is the only thing I’m good at!?

Ok, these are the few among the many instances that I was able to recall. There were many other small incidents citing of which I think, is unnecessary. Anyway, I think in mid Feb, I was out of station for 4 days to attend a wedding and when I came back, I stood as a mute spectator to witness the things that unfolded, as being told in the second paragraph above. She was changed. She was a new person altogether. The eyes that oozed out so much of life, concern, care, joy and happiness, were now giving out ice-cold glances. Nope, they couldn’t even be called as glances coz she was clearly avoiding looking at me. This probably is a greater metamorphosis than the metamorphosis narrated by Kafka in his story “The Metamorphosis”. I agree that I never approached her, did neglect her a bit, was lackadaisical…but is there any hard and fast rule that girls should not be the first ones to approach guys? What was stopping her from just using her tongue to convey the very words that her eyes were screaming out? Or was that even necessary?? Could not have we been together without ever speaking a word? The irony here is that though she is also an accomplice, I became the loser. For months and years we exchanged glances, we knew that we’ve got something for one another, both knew that we are a kinda helpless to approach each other and all this, all this waiting, staring, pondering, dreaming…all this ended in just 4 days?? I’m finding it really difficult to believe but I have to. If I ever get a chance, I just want to ask her one question – “Is it that easy for you girls to overlap the memories of a guy from the Past with the Present of another guy?? All you need is just a break of 4 days??”. I wonder if there is any other girl on the planet who could come up with a satisfactory answer to this, apart from this Crushed-Love of mine. No, I would never ever believe if she tells that she didn’t have any kind of feelings for me. That would make her too cheap a liar whom I believe is not…

It is the eve of the Valentine’s Day, probably the most celebrated day (apart from the Birthday) in the life of everyone who was, who is and who will be falling in love. Celebrations happening all around the world and our campus is no different. It is so heartening to see the couples who have found the love of their lives. I would be the wrong person to comment on Love/V-Day and all that jazz coz I’m alien to things like that. Or probably, I might have just had a brush up with the so called Crush, and hence I’m too naïve to make a comment. But it is so inescapable that I could not help but breathe the enthusiasm prevailing in the air. It is so double-energetic like that of emptying a RedBull can, which you didn’t have to pay for. In such an exhilarating atmosphere, I think every person must be praying for the well-being of his/her love, to spend the rest of the life with his/her mate, wishing their love’s life be nothing but a bed of roses and praying for them to overcome any hurdle that might come their way. I’d always been so proud of my acute observation prowess, I’d always been so proud of my flawless vision, I’d always been so proud of my intuition…but on such a lovely occasion like this, I wish I’d never delved into those eyes, I wish I never read what’d been written in there, I wish I never misunderstood and continued this, I wish I’d never lived in the fool’s paradise for so long…and for the first time in my life……….I Wish I Was Blind..

Declaration

Well, this was the story (true story) told by one of my close friends, whose identity I am not supposed to reveal. Of course, I’ve added my own masala here and there (and a few updates from the guy such as the April-01st and the Kafka one being my addition) in order to make it a bit interesting - if not insipid. I wanted this to be sent to the My Valentine’s Story contest as I’ve already told, but it is less pushing to meet the deadline, especially when the story is not yours ;-) I also had to promise that I will not reveal the identity of any of the characters that appear in the story, including that of the girl aka the heroine ;-) All I can assure is that it is not a page outta my biography! So, no questions please! Enjoy!

Your’s Truly,

Sieur Clubin